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– I think if would be great if you made the color of all your text black.
– The background layout and the title of your article are both attractive.
– Your article’s content is fine but the story presentation you did this time seems not so entertaining for me.
You are one of a kind… I like your consistency in doing creative and unique presentation of articles. I commend your idea of having that road, with trees both sides and blue sky above, as the background. Also, I want you to know that I am impressed with your style. At first glance, I thought it was a poem but upon reading, it wasn’t. However, your title is superb. It struck my attention. The lead is just fine. With your story, it will be more factual if you will name your friend, there’s nothing wrong of doing it. It’s understandable not to put his brother’s name.
Here are the points that I saw that should not be neglected.
1. “In the place where the only thing constant is change”— it would be better if it will be written this way, “constant thing is change.”
2. Your choice of using “slashes” does not fit accordingly with the subject. You may use “rip, tear, or break” instead.
3. You don’t say “reliable experiences,” better not to add an adjective before experiences or if your hard-headed and you really want to have one, make sure it will not create vague denotations.
4. What’s “Au revoir?” Not all including me don’t know such word. Are you speaking Chinese? Hello! Please be watchful with your language.
5. I saw some unsteadiness in verb tenses, some are written in present, while some are in past.
6. Shorten your paragraphs to make it more easy to read.
In general, continue to improve! I know you could do better next time! Don’t focus too much in the creativity but rather be more attentive in the content.
Your grade is 91…!
Nash De Leon
Here are some points:
I wish you could have used a much clearer picture in which your readers’ eyes will not be irritated with the pixels. However, I do like the picture. But I would suggest that you use a background in which the readers would focus more on the text rather than the image or the background because it’s your aim as a writer to entice your readers to read your article, isn’t it?
Use of preposition- who could be someone I cannot say goodbye with?
I think the question you wanted to say on the 2nd paragraph, 3rd sentence:
I guess, for me, the real question is not whom I can’t say goodbye to rather, when is it hard to say goodbye to aperson?
Use of pronoun- I was actually confused, at first, on whether your friend was a girl or a boy. But I did understand it as I pursue reading it.
I wish you could have mentioned the name of your friend and the name of her brother so that it would be more believable and so that it would have a touch of reality.
I like how you ended it with ‘au revoir’ in the last part which means goodbye in French. But I think it’s downside is not everybody understands what it means.
I like the shortness of your article. However, the content, in my opinion was sacrificed because there was a lot of information that was missing like the names, the cause of your friend’s brother’s death, and some others.
The content of your article, in my opinion, lacked that strong bond with your title.
Again, I had a hard time reading this because its layout. and it is written in a poem format.
-Just like what nash said it could have been better if mentioned the name or if you gave more background about this friend of yours.
-It’s not goodbye with it’s goodbye to.
your grade is 88
Great creativity but you must consider the readability of your article, choose the right background and right font and color in order to emphasize the words that are mentioned on your article.
-shorten your paragraphs to make easier to read just like in the 2nd paragraph.
-it could be better if you at least gave a short background about your friend’s brother, his name.
– Au revoir? it somehow confused us your readers what does that word means.
your lead is hanging.
Your article is not readable.
you have great ideas.
I like how you would always present your articles. They were very creative. Unfortunately, some text are difficult to read. I was a bit confused of your lead because it was spontaneous and was like a fragment. Over all, I was entertained by your article. Great work! (92)
I really like the effort you make on every article you post but somehow they are not readable enough, there is something missing in this are article it seems hanging, but still I like the story.
your grade is 93
You have good ideas, but it could have been better if you put pictures of your friend so that it would add more drama to your article. You’re very creative, but don’t sacrifice the content of your article.
no matter how beautiful the picture is, if it’s pixelated, it sucks. so make sure that you choose a better background.
Your introduction did not fit the body. The intro fits perfectly in another feature article.
I wished that you could have focused on your friend whose brother died from a heart attack. You could have interviewed that friend of yours, get quotes, add pictures so that at your article will have more meat.
Your article is very creative. I commend you for that. But please refrain from using layouts that you cannot almost see the texts. Your lead is hanging but I think you could still improve this.
Great job and Congratulations!
Your grade is 90.
At first glance, readers will have a second thought if this is an article or a piece of literary such as a poem. The lead is hanging and somehow so cliche. The way you veer away from the original topic is good but you weren’t able to supply a good point why it’s the when that matters and not just the person whom you will say goodbye to.
Avoid using the same term such as ‘goodbye.’ It’s much better if you try to pun words that will lead to the same meaning. It cause redundancy and somehow annoyance to readers.
Be careful in using preposition such as in your sentence :’How the light turned so red with him'(*to him).
An with this sentence which idea is also repeated on the 2nd paragraph :’For me, it is not someone rather the when in goodbye,’ it could be recast like ‘For me, it is not just the person but also the time of saying goodbye.
In general, your article is good. Your grade is 89. 🙂
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